Wow- I really stink at keeping up with this blogging business. Can't imagine why...
I've been thinking a lot about life recently, and how the longer I live the more I realize that you can never truly understand a situation until you have experienced it yourself. I hate to admit that I used to be one of those people who thought I knew a lot about stuff I had no clue about. I still know a lot of people like this...I find them amusing, to be honest. I don't think it really hit me until I had Avery. I cringe now when I think of the times I cast a downward gaze on a mom whose child/children appeared unruly and obnoxious thinking to myself I would have handled their situation so much better and that MY future children would never behave like that. Have you ever noticed that it's always the people WITHOUT kids who give moms those looks. Not that all people without kids are like this, of course, there are many people without kids who are very patient and understanding regarding other peoples' children (God bless them!). It's just that a mom wouldn't EVER do that to another mom...we've all been there and know what it's like. Funny how that works.
I remember sitting on my sofa when I was pregnant with Avery. My precious fur-ball, Abby, was curled up on my lap and I thought to myself, "I wonder if I will be able to love this baby like I love this cat." Abby WAS my baby...I would have done anything for her. I've talked to many pet owners who wondered the same thing...how could you possibly love a baby more than your furry baby? The minute I held Avery for the first time I was completely overwhelmed by how much I loved her. Seriously...ask my cat, suddenly it was, "Abby, who?" I know that sounds harsh, but seriously. There was NO comparison. I didn't even know I could love anything like I loved that child. Of course I love my husband...actually, I adore my husband. He is, without a doubt, the best man I have ever known. He is loyal, devoted, and has more integrity and character in his little finger than most men could ever hope for. But the way you love your child is just different. It comes from a different place...it's the purest, most selfless form of love and I can only equate it to the way God must love us, his children. And there was no way I could have known what it was going to be like until I actually experienced it.
Fast forward a few years...Avery's almost 3 and we have been blessed with the gift of baby #2 on the way. We are ecstatic- however, I was apprehensive. I found myself wondering if it were fair to have another baby when clearly my heart belonged to Avery. How could I possibly love another child like I loved her? I can remember mentioning this to only 3 people because part of me felt really guilty for having these feelings. I shared my concerns with 3 people- my husband, my MIL, and my mom. John had the same concerns. Avery is the apple of his eye- he was worried, too! John is an only child, so my MIL couldn't relate. She actually agreed with me that she didn't know how people could love a second baby like their first. Awesome- that wasn't what I wanted to hear. My mom would listen...then laugh as she would say, "Just you wait..." She recalled her own experience with the same question. She said she wondering the same thing one night when she was pregnant with me. She was carrying my brother up to bed and wondering how in the world she could love her new baby as much as this boy in her arms. She assured me that the moment I was born she loved me just as much...I wasn't buying it.
I have to admit that my concerns got worse before they got better...the day we found out Jack was a boy we were thrilled. That was the news we were secretly...or not so secretly, hoping for. One of each- how perfect! But suddenly it hit me...a BOY. YIKES! What on earth am I supposed to do with a boy?! I know how to have a girl. I know hair bows and ballet lessons and tutus and PINK! I can't sit through basketball practices and t-ball games....can I? I hate anything camouflage, think GI Joes toys are stupid and REALLY like my house to be clean, not smell like dirty gym socks. Oh, and don't even get me started on how ugly the clothes are for little boys. Do they have to put skulls and cross bones on EVERYTHING?! Most of the time I worried silently, it just seemed horribly ungrateful to express any of this out loud. I had been blessed with a baby boy- and clearly God wouldn't give him to me to raise if he didn't think I could do it. I reminded myself of this daily.
When I think back on it, God must have been laughing his head off at me knowing how my mind and heart would be changed the minute that my baby boy was placed in my arms. One look at his little face and I was head over heels in love. Suddenly, thoughts of sitting through basketball practices and his stinky teenaged tennis shoes seemed like bliss. All my fears and concerns about not being able to love him as much as his sister melted away...I already DID love him as much. God, in an instant, opened my heart and made more than enough room for the new little man in my world. Until Jack arrived I couldn't have conceived of this. Until he was in my arms I never could have known how complete and full my heart could feel. Until there was you, my little love...until there was you.
